Thursday, 29 September 2016

Seemingly Innocent Phrases You Should Never, Ever Google at Work

Consider this a friendly Public Service Announcement. You've been warned.


For as long as I can remember, the Internet has been full of seemingly innocent phrases that are actually code for some of the most disgusting things you'll ever see. Now, I had thought that everyone was familiar with these things by now, that everyone had at one point or another been sent a link to a so-called "shock site" as a joke. But recently in our GQ Slack room, it was revealed that a number of people were completely unfamiliar with the genre.

So, allow this post to be your public service announcement. Do not Google the following things (unless you want to see something shocking/pornographic/graphic/etc):

"Lemon Party"
What you'd expect: Photos of a fun and festive celebration that is themed around the tart yellow fruits that are responsible for so many a refreshing seasonal beverage, as well as the inspiration for the most underrated of the Starburst flavors.
Seemingly Innocent Phrases You Should Never, Ever Google at Work
What it is: Naked old men engaged in recreational activities.

"Blue Waffle"

What you'd expect: Maybe a post on an obnoxious mom-blog about how to make your child a delicious breakfast treat while also honoring America for the Fourth of July. It would be served with red strawberries and whipped cream to give it a fully patriotic flavor, and the post would be full of language that reminds you the author is a way better parent than you will ever be.
What it is: A picture of an STD-riddled vagina.

"Goatse"
What you'd expect: Well, you have "Goat" right there in the name, and this is the Internet, so maybe it'd be a fun video of a goat being friends with a horse.
What it is: A picture of a man spreading his, er, you know.

"Fournier"
What you'd expect: Perhaps photos of Orlando Magic shooting guard Evan Fournier.
What it is: A type of flesh-eating disease that has many very graphic photos that have actually led Evan to be nicknamed Evan "Don't Google" Fournier.

"Mr. Hands"
What you'd expect: Maybe a fansite dedicated to the Hamburger Helper mascot?
What it is: A terrible, graphic video of a man being killed by a horse.

"Tub Girl"
What you'd expect: A superhero from an indie comic? Or sexy photos of some girl who was naked in a tub in some scene in a movie.
What it is: Imagine a naked woman in a tub full of feces. It's that, but worse.

"Meatspin"
What you'd expect: A food site that explains the latest in sausage making techniques.
What it is: A video of a man having sex with another man (or possibly a trans-woman) with the bottom's penis spinning around. A counter keeps track of how many spins you sat through. This one is not actually that bad, and its "shock" factor stems mostly from a "haha you're gay"-style homophobia.

"Two Girls, One Cup"
What you'd expect: Maybe a romantic photo of two gay women sharing a milkshake at a diner. Perhaps it's done in a Norman Rockwell-style to illustrate how far the definition of "normal" has come over the years and how wonderful that is.
What it is: You've probably seen this one. It's a video of two women doing some terrible things with poop and vomit. If you've somehow been lucky enough to avoid it, congratulations. Never investigate it.

"Cake Farts"

What you'd expect: Maybe a humorous essay about a time when a man embarrassed himself at his girlfriend's birthday party.
What it is: A video of a naked woman sitting on a cake and farting on it. But in fairness, this one you probably could have expected.

As always, the lesson here is that life is better off the Internet.

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